For starters.
One day, I definitely had too much coffee
I’ve been disconnected.
From the internet.
I’m beginning to panic
I just want a simple connection, a quick and easy connection, to check my email and the weather.
It's been two hours since I check my email, and it makes me wonder.
Maybe the ambitious Sagittarian emailed and is offering me a blowjob.
Maybe the quick sex girl emailed with an offer of quick sex in the bathroom.
Maybe the bookish dietary technician emailed with an offer of a quick one-night stand.
Maybe “Eve” emailed.
Maybe the hot chick of my dreams email with quick sex.
Maybe “Shane” emailed saying she's having second thoughts.
Maybe “Cali” emailed with a tale of Peru, how it's changed her, and how she can't wait to reconnect with me to share the experience.
Maybe the psycho girl called with revealing her bluff, sharing her karmic retaliation and seeking pardon, forgiveness.
Maybe that blonde girl who just walked through the cafe doors didn't email me, but wants to look me in the eye and offer me some candy.
Maybe my ex girlfriend emailed saying she's sorry, she was wrong, and she can't take it any more.
Maybe “Traci” emailed saying she's visiting from New York and wants to have hot sex again.
Maybe that girl who gave me a handjob in the back of the car last summer, the 23 year old born-again virgin, emailed and says she wants to hand me again ("blow" is short for "blow job", thus ain't "hand" short of "hand job"?) and really liked… um, the “whole experience”.
Maybe a job emailed me with an offer to go to Darfour. I'd really like to go to Darfour, and take some bullets saving some orphans from the evil genociders (who are the bad guys there again? Shiites? Sunnis? Iranians? They must be somewhere on the Axis of evil, perpetuating genocide against orphans and all.)
I'd bet saving orphans would help me get laid, but would I love her?
Would I get all sappy and clingy afterwards?
Would I notch it up in practice of being a successful sexual deviant?
(I really hate being called a "failed sexual deviant", it's the sorta label that scars you forever, like the time I pooped my pants in 2nd grade,
-or picked my nose in 4th grade,
-or greased my hair with vaseline to "impress" a "girl" in 7th grade,
-or having an "appendice of the testis" surgically removed in 8th grade,
-or masturbating on the bus in 9th grade,
-or stealing Hustler from the bookstore in 10th and 11th grade,
-or losing my virginity belatedly at 19,
-or having my heart broken at the age of 22,
-then again at 23,
-and 26.
-And 28.
-And 30.
-And 31.
-And 32.
-And four times at 32, and I'm only 32 and a half now.
What will the rest of the year bring me?
Anonymous blowjobs?
High School cheerleaders?
The orgy of my dreams with every girl that I'm too "shy" and "respectful" (re: oppressed) to admit, respectfully, "hey, you're hot. Wanna join me in my orgy? I promise it will be fun."
(I think that line is s'pozed to end with a question mark?)
Too bad I'm not enough of an egoist that I can invite 6 women to my place at the same time for group sex.
Too bad I'm too shy to try to instigate that sorta orgy.
Too bad I'm too much of a straight edge to do the drugs necessary to actually pull off that sort of orgy.
Too bad I'm too self-conscious to think properly lewdly of the 21 year old slacker queen who just waltzed by the window of this cafe.
Too bad I'm too shy to approach her, or the bookstore clerk, or the barista, or the check out girl, and say: "hey, nice chatting with you as you ring up my CD/literary novel/hot chocolate/two-buck-chuck.
Here’s my phone number, let's continue this conversation, and let it meander into politics,
spirituality,
religious practices of the Yanomani,
outdoor kayaking,
indoor kayaking,
emotional scars and/or your cat.
Is it a mouser?
I need a mouser to mouse the mice in my house.
Or is it 'hice'?"
Nor can I invite them to this orgy, that never happens, cause I can never mention it.
God, or G*d as the Hebrews prefer (though I lean, personally, to Gawd. Think Gawd speaks with a New Jerseyan accent? Is it's blasphemous to misspell His/Her/Its name?)
Gawd, I'm such a failure.
(All names have been changed to those of my favorite porn stars to protect the innocent.)