I don't think the gays will necessarily want you...
I think my hymen has grown back... - 32
Goddammit, this is war.
I'd like to present the fact that my hymen has grown back. That's quite an accomplishment considering I'm lacking the appropriate plumbing. Not only has my mythical hymen grown back, I'm fairly certain the fucker has brought reinforcements and the whole lot of them are conspiring against my return to the dating world by heightening my libido to that of a teenage boy consequently turning any interaction involving an attractive young woman into a three ring circus. Christ, I get a woody when a rogue draft finds its way up my pantleg. I get a hardon anytime I hear someone mention "stiff breeze." To add insult to injury, my best friend finds this endlessly hysterical. That's ok, because sexual kharma is a bitch and I figure after this dry spell she owes me a favor or ten. Yeah, that's right, she knows where you live and is coming to visit. So laugh it up.
Carve this date into your memory - Dec 22, 2004 @ 2:30PM CST. That's the last time I had sex. That's approximately 605 days, 7 hours, 12 minutes and 28 seconds since I've been privy to a woman's privates. Jesus, I'm going insane.
If you think I'm some unnattractive schlep, an arrogant prick, player, or just plain creepy you'd be dead wrong. Way dead wrong. Really, I'm a nice guy and I'm really a gentleman when it comes to dating which is the reason I'm still fucking single. Not that I'm bitter. You may also be under the misconception that I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to things in the boudoir. Again, wrongamundo. I'll bet elbows to asses that I've been there, done that, written the book, done the talk show, and sold the screenplay twice and have the video, chaffing and bruises to prove it. Look, I'm not trying to be crude but I want some action. That's "tie my hands behind my back and lick your initials into my neck" fucking.
You wanna know the kicker? Oh yeah, this is awesome. This is self imposed. Yeah, that's right. I said it; s-e-l-f-i-m-p-o-s-e-d. Why? Because I refuse to have sex outside of a relationship. Let me be blunt for a second - if you think I'm making any of this up just to get laid - fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Better yet, send the horse my way and shut the barn door because Mr Ed is about to become a man, er, horse.
I don't get it, I really don't get it. Really, I don't get it - I'm pretty sure if I did I'd be a lost less bitchy. I've met a couple of great girls, had some fun, even spent the night at one's house but again, perfect gentleman. My roommate asked where I was and then smiled and asked if I got any.
No, I didn't.
Did you get to third base?
No.
Second?
No.
What did you do?
We spooned.
You spooned?
Yeah, over the blankets.
Duuuuuuuuude.
Yeah, fuck you.
I think I'm gonna cry. Great, now I'm single, horny, AND emotionally unbalanced. I need more coffee.
Fuck this, I'm hopping the fence and trying out the gay scene for a while...